Avoidant attached persons can be difficult to get close to at first. But with patience and empathy, their walls can be broken down.
Psychologists have been studying attachment styles for decades, as they are fundamental to the relationships we find ourselves in as adults. Your attachment style shows how you relate to others in close friendships or romantic relationships.
There are four categories of attachment style: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized (also known as fear-avoidant). In this article, we will focus on people with avoidant attachment style and how to have a deep and intimate relationship with them despite the difficulties arising from their attachment style.
Avoidant attachment in a relationship
People with this attachment style are uncomfortable with emotional closeness, have a strong need for independence and avoid situations where they have to rely on others. For all these reasons, they are not the easiest people to partner with.
Our attachment style is strongly influenced by how we were able to relate to our parents as children. However, this is not the only influencing factor. A person’s attachment style is not set in stone and not everyone will necessarily exhibit the same pattern of behavior in different relationships. Whether as a friend, colleague or family member, one’s attachment style can be different in every relationship. Here are five signs that may indicate that your partner has developed an avoidant attachment style with you.
Fear of commitment
An avoidant attachment style partner may be reluctant to be fully involved in the relationship because of an often unrecognized fear of commitment. They are the frustrating ones who avoid talking about the future and don’t like to plan for the long term. Avoidant attachment style people fear being trapped or suffocated in a relationship. This fear often stems from past experiences of rejection or abandonment.
Highly values independence
Although maintaining independence within a relationship is healthy, a strong need for autonomy and freedom can be a sign of avoidant attachment. These people are the ones who become distant when stress or conflict arises. Avoidant attached persons focus on maintaining their independence, which can make significant others feel frustrated and neglected.
Struggling with emotional intimacy
A partner with an avoidant attachment style is likely to find it difficult to share their inner world. They are incredibly withdrawn, and when you try to get them to express their thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities, they act as if they wished to disappear. While they have no difficulty talking about the details of their day, they refuse to talk about the emotional background of their experiences. When talking about feelings, their responses are often short or evasive.
They spend more time on work than on their relationship
Partners with an avoidant attachment style may invest more time and energy in their career than in their romantic relationship. This is partly because they know that the rewards and achievements from work are more specific and controllable. For many, this tendency can also be traced back to previous relationships. In many cases, they have learned that human relationships do not give a sense of satisfaction, and as a result they spend their time and energy where they assume they will get rewards.
Their withdrawn behavior makes you anxious
Avoidant attachment often pairs with anxious attachment. This pairing creates a “push-pull” dynamic in which the avoidant attached person does not communicate clearly. This leads the partner to seek reassurance about the relationship and to strengthen it. Avoidance tendencies often trigger anxiety in the other party.
How to be happy in this kind of relationship
Being with an avoidant attached person is difficult, but not impossible. If the dynamics of the relationship are relatively healthy, and you seek to understand the other person’s mental world, there are coping strategies to deal with their sometimes odd behavior.
Patience, patience, and more patience
Try to be patient and understanding, however challenging it may be – this is one important piece of advice for avoidant partners. Part of this is recognizing that their challenges with emotional intimacy are likely to stem from their upbringing or other past experiences, rather than from not loving or caring about you.
Express yourself in a way that they understand
Find ways of expressing yourself in ways that they can be receptive to. It’s natural to feel bad if your partner can’t open up or is distant. However, if you approach the situation with anger, it will overwhelm the other person and they will withdraw even more. If you can, try to strike a more objective tone.
Remember that your needs are valid too
Never forget that your feelings are perfectly valid – your partner will just find it hard to deal with them.
Be aware that this is a long process
Overcoming obstacles is a long process and takes time and effort on both sides. Talk a lot, and if necessary, go to couples therapy. At the end of the process, hopefully you will approach it with kindness and acceptance, and your partner will be ready to open up more deeply.