After a divorce, most people feel abandoned and empty, and most don’t see a bright future ahead. These common feelings were confirmed by Holly Davis, who is not only a divorcee: she is also a divorce lawyer.
She said that, as difficult as it may seem, the end of a marriage can, and in most cases does, mean the beginning of a new, happier life. When Holly’s marriage ended, she identified three essential qualities that helped her put the past behind her and set her on the path to her new happiness.
Accept that you never really have control over your spouse’s life or decisions
Holly believes that one of the biggest problems today with marriages is that people believe it is a kind of property right. Many people feel that they have reached the end of the line with marriage and that they have nothing more to do with their relationship. This attitude understandably makes things worse.
What is the biggest problem? We tell ourselves that we have nothing else to build in our relationship. We’ve done the obligatory rounds, we’ve got our spouse, we’ll be happy ever after. Unfortunately, this mentality often leads straight to divorce.
Holly says that we must first forget even the idea of owning our partner. This presupposes that we are not giving up on the relationship. It is easy to sweep problems under the carpet and overlook shortcomings if we think that the other person will stay with us no matter what.
Without this close mindset, both parties can work harder and more devotedly on the relationship. Spouses will take more responsibility for their actions and strive to improve the quality of their marriage day by day. Which, by the way, is hard work and, paradoxical as it may seem, can also lead to divorce.
After all, successful marriages are created when both members of the couple work hard on themselves while building a future together.
However, even two closely linked people may change with time, and their changing needs and goals may lead them down different paths. In this situation, without working together and making progress, the relationship will certainly not move forward.
Divorce is very rarely the end of a relationship
Even though divorce may mean the end of your love life with your spouse, you don’t have to end all contact with each other at all costs. In fact, this is not even possible if you have children or if you have to pay off a joint loan.
It is not an easy task at all, but you must remember that you two used to mean the world to each other. And if you have children, you owe it to each other and to your children to give each other respect. Unfortunately, there will be difficult and awkward moments in your future together at important events such as graduations, games, weddings…. You may also meet at other events if you share a group of friends.
If you want to end your divorce wisely, you can put anger and resentment aside, otherwise you will sabotage your own happiness for many years during such events.
You don’t have to immediately start enjoying your ex-husband’s company, or even be glad to see him. But acceptance is certainly better than anger and blame. Just think how your child will feel walking between the two of you, especially when you are both there for one of the best events of his or her life. You child should enjoy the moment and have a good time, instead of listening to mom and dad argue.
In divorce, it doesn’t matter what your ex was like in the past
As much as it hurts, the personality of your ex is not relevant to legal decisions, adds Holly. You may have had a terrible husband and therefore find it extremely difficult to remain calm, but divorce is a situation where you need to use your emotional intelligence first.
Decisions made with mature emotions do not describe a woman who is a failure in marriage, but one who is moving forward, is independent and is developing her personality – and who will achieve her goals.
Holly sees being emotionally intelligent in divorce as nothing more than taking self-care to the highest level. But to do this, you need to keep in mind that divorce is not a qualification for you or your marriage, it is a simple legal exercise. It is normal to have bad feelings and often feel unfair. However, you must learn to put these feelings on the back burner because your decisions should be more goal-oriented than emotional.
You shouldn’t give in to anger, fear or even pain; you can wait with that when you get through the paperwork.
Making legal decisions out of revenge, doing and saying things that will make your ex-husband’s life miserable, is far from an adult mindset. These are not the actions of a woman who has drawn conclusions and is ready to move on and move forward.
Holly says that we should not think of divorce as the end of happiness and the end of love. It’s better to see it as the beginning of a new phase in your life, where you have simply moved beyond what didn’t work. If we approach divorce in the right way, we can make our plans come true and live in the future we have created for ourselves.